Day Five A Day Out

I spent this day taking care of me. A good breakfast and shopping at a few of my new favorite second hand shops. I bought Mom a pair of capri pants in two sizes smaller than she had been at this time last year. My thinking was that I could use these as a reference to know what size to buy for her. I was excited to go see her today. The day off to escape the stress of this disease was what I had needed to renew myself. She was waiting when I went to pick her up. I signed her out and took her to eat at Ponderosa. She ordered exactly what she wanted and the meal she always orders at this restaurant. I am always amazed at the things she can remember and the things that she cannot remember. She also reminded me that she needed to go to the grocery to get some diet coke.
After dinner I took her home. She loved on her beloved friend Henri. Then she showered and I put her in her new pants that fit perfectly. Two sizes smaller than this time last year. That is also what this disease does. It takes your appetite and your ability to taste. I looked at her frumpy too big shirt and sweater and hit my closet. I found a short sleeve mock turtle neck and a pretty cream sweater that had a little bit of bling. A pair of earrings and fixed up hairdo and a little make up and there stood my slightly stooped Mama. It's funny that as she has aged, Mama has begun to feel like the right endearment for her. All dolled up and we went to the concert on the square. That vacancy in her eyes and the bracelet on her ankle to mark her as a resident of the memory care facility are the only reminders of the road we are now traversing. I don't know if she enjoyed the concert. She clapped and smiled at me when she saw that I was looking at her. She held my hand or arm as we walked and commented that she doesn't get around like she used too. She thanked me for taking her out of "that place". We stopped for diet coke and then went back to the center and her room. She cried for the 20 minutes that I stayed with her. Then I left. I didn't sleep well last night. Yesterday was also my anniversary. Sad times for me.

Day Four, Escaping Alzheimer's

I escaped today. I taught this morning, went to my office to return materials and turned in paperwork. Met a friend for lunch and wandered into gift shops on my way back to my car. While driving back from the city I cried for all that has been lost. The times that I could call Mom and talk or make plans for a mini vacation. I thought about her never being able to spend the night at my house or just sit and watch a movie. I miss her. I spent the rest of the day doing my bills and reconciling my finances and then doing the same for hers. All of the services that were in place to support her are cancelled and now the house is just running on the utilities and lawn maintenance. Easy finance week for her. I spoke with a few family members today about upcoming events and reported on Mom's progress. It is funny to me that people want to know her progress. She doesn't progress now. She has days of clarity with an overall slow mental decline. I was tearful again this afternoon and then decided to escape dementia. I didn't think about any of the things that need to happen over the next few months or wonder what Mom was doing at that moment. I did not go see her today. I simply couldn't do another visit of tears and begging to go home. Someone else is making sure that she eats, drinks, rest, takes her meds and sleeps tonight. Most of all, she is safe. I can rest. I can play guitar, go for a bike ride, read a book and not wonder if Mom is safe. I can escape the burden of worry that comes with Alzheimer's.

Day Three Alzheimer's

Three days in the long term alzheimer's unit and my mom has reportedly transitioned well. She does appear to have accepted her new home, until she is alone with me. Mom has grown solum and verbalizes a wish to die rather than to stay in that awful place. She has thrown some guilt my way and spent most of her time with me crying and hugging her beloved Henri. As her clarity has returned so has her ability to try to control her environment. Today was hard. I watched her hug and hold her dog and talk with him as if he might have the ability to change the fate of her future. He has been her buddy and she has been his. I am considering this time of clarity as a gift. Mom's confusion has begun to return and she has begun to retell the same information many times.
As we left today, Henri tried to pull his way back to the door that led inside the building where his beloved master now lives. I wish there was a way for them to be together full time.
I tried to take care of me a little more today. I took the time to go to the eye doctor and get new contacts. I was wearing two left eye contacts and they were going on 3 months old. It was time. I also sat down and ate a sandwich in a cafe for lunch.
Tomorrow is the last day of summer school so at the end of the morning session I plan to do something fun, just for me. I also plan to look at healthy recipes for one that I might cook this weekend so that I can try to pull together some nutrition in place of the current fair of filler food.
I wish this phase of my life was not happening, but I know that I am not alone.

Day Two Alzheimer's

I went to my mother's house today to clean out the refrigerator and check out the new door. It was sad to be there without her now. It is as if she has died and in some ways she has. My mom no longer resides in the body that looks like my mom. At least not on a full time basis. I tidied the kitchen, dining room and living room. I gathered a few items that I thought she might enjoy having.
I also returned her first alert system. She didn't understand how to use it when she needed it. They forgot to tell me that patients with Alzheimer's don't know how to press that button that has hung around their necks for months. They didn't mind taking the money for a piece of equipment that was relatively useless. Then I returned to my house to quickly mow the lawn before the next rain storm. I quickly ate left overs and then grabbed her dog and ran to the nursing home. Her dog, Henri, has adapted well to the new situation and appears to have learned the route to his owners room on only his second visit. Again, my mom blended in with the heads of gray hair and blank stares. She quickly recognized her buddy Henri and immediately they were hugging, whining, crying and in their individual ways pledging their love for each other. Tonight we took Henri for a walk, sat outside and when we returned to her room I cut her fingernails and toenails. When did she lose the ability to do this for herself I wonder.  A pang of guilt came as I realized that she needed someone to do this for her now. She pledged to not be a burden to me if she could just go home or come live with me. I entertain the idea. I wish her clarity would stay. I pray the Alzheimer's diagnosis is not true. Some fluke of misdiagnosis and now she is miraculously cured.
I know she is losing all that she hoped to pass along to her family. Her retirement money will be gone. He house and belongings will be gone. Her house will be sold. And, I am making her funeral arrangements tomorrow so that the life insurance policy that she has had for 40 years will be actually used for her funeral. I hate this disease. I hate that my Mom could have stayed in her home and been financially independent for years to come, but not when she can't remember to take her medicine or to eat. I hate that my mom has lost the ability to taste the foods that she used to enjoy. I hate knowing that some day she will not know my face or that I am her daughter.
When I came home I put her dog in the house and got on my bike. A long hard ride mingled with inward screams of grief followed by a glass of pink wine and peanuts allow me to settle my mind long enough to rest.
I love you Mom.

Day One Alzheimers

My Mom has Alzheimer's. She recently called 911 and when the emergency responders could not get into her house they broke through the door of her home. This is the third 911 call in a 7 month period of time. This last call has made it apparent that she cannot be alone. She now lives in a long term facility that specializes in memory care. I saw her in this setting for the first time last evening. As I walked toward the sitting area I saw a group of women with gray hair sitting around the walls with varying blank expressions. They were playing music on what appeared to be a modern version of an old radio. With country music playing in the background, I realized that one of those women with gray hair and a blank expression was my mother. When she saw me her face lit up. She remembers me, still. She wanted to talk with me. When we went into her corner of the room that housed 3 women, she began to plead with me to take her home. She promised she would do anything if I would just take her home. She has improved since her arrival to this facility a week ago. She speaks with me and only rarely repeats the same information. She does repeatedly introduce me to her new acquaintances. It is hard to not grab her belongings and load her up when she has times of clarity. You see, like many family members living with a family member with dementia, I want my Mom back. I actually need her right now. You see I have a huge decision to make and I always consult her. The problem is the decision is about her care.