Day Two Alzheimer's

I went to my mother's house today to clean out the refrigerator and check out the new door. It was sad to be there without her now. It is as if she has died and in some ways she has. My mom no longer resides in the body that looks like my mom. At least not on a full time basis. I tidied the kitchen, dining room and living room. I gathered a few items that I thought she might enjoy having.
I also returned her first alert system. She didn't understand how to use it when she needed it. They forgot to tell me that patients with Alzheimer's don't know how to press that button that has hung around their necks for months. They didn't mind taking the money for a piece of equipment that was relatively useless. Then I returned to my house to quickly mow the lawn before the next rain storm. I quickly ate left overs and then grabbed her dog and ran to the nursing home. Her dog, Henri, has adapted well to the new situation and appears to have learned the route to his owners room on only his second visit. Again, my mom blended in with the heads of gray hair and blank stares. She quickly recognized her buddy Henri and immediately they were hugging, whining, crying and in their individual ways pledging their love for each other. Tonight we took Henri for a walk, sat outside and when we returned to her room I cut her fingernails and toenails. When did she lose the ability to do this for herself I wonder.  A pang of guilt came as I realized that she needed someone to do this for her now. She pledged to not be a burden to me if she could just go home or come live with me. I entertain the idea. I wish her clarity would stay. I pray the Alzheimer's diagnosis is not true. Some fluke of misdiagnosis and now she is miraculously cured.
I know she is losing all that she hoped to pass along to her family. Her retirement money will be gone. He house and belongings will be gone. Her house will be sold. And, I am making her funeral arrangements tomorrow so that the life insurance policy that she has had for 40 years will be actually used for her funeral. I hate this disease. I hate that my Mom could have stayed in her home and been financially independent for years to come, but not when she can't remember to take her medicine or to eat. I hate that my mom has lost the ability to taste the foods that she used to enjoy. I hate knowing that some day she will not know my face or that I am her daughter.
When I came home I put her dog in the house and got on my bike. A long hard ride mingled with inward screams of grief followed by a glass of pink wine and peanuts allow me to settle my mind long enough to rest.
I love you Mom.

Day One Alzheimers

My Mom has Alzheimer's. She recently called 911 and when the emergency responders could not get into her house they broke through the door of her home. This is the third 911 call in a 7 month period of time. This last call has made it apparent that she cannot be alone. She now lives in a long term facility that specializes in memory care. I saw her in this setting for the first time last evening. As I walked toward the sitting area I saw a group of women with gray hair sitting around the walls with varying blank expressions. They were playing music on what appeared to be a modern version of an old radio. With country music playing in the background, I realized that one of those women with gray hair and a blank expression was my mother. When she saw me her face lit up. She remembers me, still. She wanted to talk with me. When we went into her corner of the room that housed 3 women, she began to plead with me to take her home. She promised she would do anything if I would just take her home. She has improved since her arrival to this facility a week ago. She speaks with me and only rarely repeats the same information. She does repeatedly introduce me to her new acquaintances. It is hard to not grab her belongings and load her up when she has times of clarity. You see, like many family members living with a family member with dementia, I want my Mom back. I actually need her right now. You see I have a huge decision to make and I always consult her. The problem is the decision is about her care.